I'll give my heart to survive!

Heart!

Ok I have followed the words that I typed back in January. I have placed my heart back into the hands that have caused it the most damage. I have done it with no strings attached and I am trusting that God will help me though and that he is my shield and strength. It is an odd feeling knowing and almost anticipating your heart being shattered again. But at the same time it is a bit freeing. It is kind of like the calm before a big storm. “One final heart-break, And blinding lights will guide our way, Free us our blind state…” These words have been going through my head all day long so far. I woke up to them in a state of mind that was full of anxiety and confusion. I have not however questioned my actions in doing it. I have questioned some of the stuff that was said along with it and have been replaying things over in my head but I know that I did the right thing and that I need to leave it out there no matter what I anticipate. It feels like a totally healthy spot to be in.

“Caught a glimpse of your eye, Everything freezes and I'm ready, To give you my heart…” All of these songs continue to come to me today and it is nothing to just ignore them but it just continues on so that it cannot be ignored. Louder and louder it gets in my head to the point where I have to find the song and listen to it and continue to listen to it. There are so many songs in my favorite albums that keep jumping out to me. So many words to confirm but yet the darkness seems like a slow decent over me.
“I know I was made to go up this mountainEvery bone in my body tells me it's rightI know I was made to go up this mountainBut I'm getting scared of heightsStill I'll sleep to the sound of the monsters roarCause I'll sleep next to your heartbeat foreverThe endings are all rightThe endings are all goodWhat if I could reach insideTo take a deeper breath to see it's all rightWhat if I saw you at my side”

I have for albums worth of songs that I am going through right now. Things today are all crazy around me and words continue to come out through the music that I am listening too and that has been four albums all day long. There is so much in them and they are really familiar cd’s and yet I cannot tire of them right now and continue to play them over and over. If I was to try and mark out all of the things that are facing me off in these albums right now this post would go on for a long time. I will not however quote them all but there are few that I know are still longing to get on the page and out of my head.

It is things like this that I am not sure how to take and how to deal with them but they grab me and demand my attention. They are right there in my face and will not move. The bully my thoughts and I am sure there is a reason for it all. I really don’t know why but I know that they are there.
“I hear you, so don't you say another word Now here you are standing there crushing yourself I'll near you, but my eyes see a different world Here you are standing there breaking my heart, as you're crushing yourself…”

I guess that this goes hand in hand with the decision that I made yesterday. But it makes me feel as if I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and looking down wondering how to get to the bottom. I know there are ways to get down but the magnitude of what is right in front of me just baffles my mind and it is not able to think straight right now. Take a step back then think about it. So I strive to step back and see what place God has for me in all that is going on. To hear that still small voice and allow it to echo inside my head. To know what my place and role in all of this is. I stand by for now, knowing that something is happening and I am right in the middle of it but too out of it to know what. This is where the faith comes in and I long for my head to clear from the few good blows that it feels like I have taken to the head. I know that God is right there in the middle with me and I know that I am in good hands. My head might be cloudy but I know that HIS is not and that he is totally in control and knowing what is going on and it is just a matter of time before he give me a command that I must do. Head clear so that I can be ready for that. Let the warrior in me rise up and overcome the fear of the future that grips me. Over come the anxiety and trust! “…When there's not much left to say Words better left unspoken Let me hear from you When your heart is broken …”God let it be so.