What it means I guess!!!!!

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	66%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	66%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	58%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	66%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	50%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	26%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	30%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	58%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	62%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	78%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	74%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	70%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	66%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	66%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	78%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	86%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	66%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	82%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	50%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	50%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	62%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	62%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	46%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	26%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	46%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	50%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	62%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	58%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	42%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	62%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	62%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	66%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	46%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	22%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	58%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	34%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	22%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	46%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	62%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	62%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	66%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	54%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	42%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	74%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	58%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

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Personality!!! You tell me what you think!!!!

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Gregariousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Poise ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Leadership ||||||||||||||| 50% Provocativeness ||||||||| 26% Self-Disclosure ||||||||| 30% Talkativeness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Group Attachment ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 53% Understanding |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Morality ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Pleasantness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Empathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Cooperation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Tenderness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Nurturance |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Conscientiousness ||||||||||||||| 50% Efficiency ||||||||||||||| 50% Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Purposefulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Organization ||||||||||||||| 46% Cautiousness ||||||||| 26% Rationality ||||||||||||||| 46% Perfectionism ||||||||||||||| 50% Planning ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||||||||||||||| 58% Happiness ||||||||||||||| 42% Calmness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Moderation ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Toughness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Impulse Control ||||||||||||||| 46% Imperturbability ||||||||| 22% Cool-headedness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Tranquility |||||||||||| 34% Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 50% Intellect ||||||||| 22% Ingenuity ||||||||||||||| 46% Reflection ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Competence ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Quickness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Introspection |||||||||||||||||| 54% Creativity ||||||||||||||| 42% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Depth |||||||||||||||||| 58% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 54%

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Hidden passage ways and rooms!!!!

Ok I know that everyone has these in their lives and that some more then others try to live life in them even though they know that they should not. I guess that I am one of those people. I come from the wrong side of the tracks or right side whatever way that you want to look at it. I guess that I have been watching what is on the other side for such a long time that I really just want to be over there and not in the place that I am or the person that I am. I guess that as time has gone on I have built this very intricate network of hidden passage ways and rooms. I know that this is the case and I spend time in them to get away from what I know. I can be anything in these rooms that I want to be. I can be real, I can pretend, I can do what ever I want and no one is there to tell me other wise. I guess that with all of that I am kind of feeling like Batman. No matter what you do you always end up feeling alone in the end. I guess that is why I really want to come out of these hidden places and back into life and the real world. The world that I know as being the one where nice guys always finish last. The world where black is black and white is white and in most cases white is good and black is bad. The problem with this world is that I really don't see myself fitting in either with the good or the bad. This is the real world for me. Someone was praying for me on Wednesday night and she told me that God said I was worthy and that He had stuff that he wanted to give me because I was Worthy but I guess that I believe Him in what He said through her but that I really want stuff now. I long more then anything not to be alone. I see it all around me I wander into this fog and once in a while I will see a light shine through for a while. But sooner or later, which it is usually sooner, I find myself in the same fog all alone. I really hate to be alone!!!!! I guess in saying that sex is not the issue here. Being alone is the issue. The part that does not want to hang out at home alone. The part that wants something back that has been missing for what seems so long now. It is also the part of me that does not want to go to India alone. The part that wants to share and care for someone again. So many things that it just seems easier to stay in my hidden rooms and keep then hidden from everyone. But where does that get me? It makes me not real most of the time and then sorta real the other times. I guess that this place is not hidden to all. I have let people in there into these hidden areas of me and I just find that when I do I get attached to those special people that I have let in. It usually leads to me getting hurt and them not even knowing!!! There was a movie that I saw along time ago but I cannot remember the name of it. It was named after the main kid in the movie. It was about a boy that was from a family that really did not have a lot but he went to school with all the rich kids and longed so desperately to fit in and be one of the cool kids to get some people to notice him. But I guess that is how I feel! That I am the poor kid trying to fit in with all the rich kids and I really don't fit at all but stick out like a sore thumb. Lucas I think was the name of the film.

I guess that I am not sure how to lock up these hidden rooms since most people don't even know where they are in my life and the different areas or things that cause me to head into them and away from everything else. I don't think that it is usually people that cause me to go into hiding as much as it is myself. I keep thinking of the whole Batman thing and it just seems like maybe it is the best thing to describe what I feel. I don't want anyone to know about it but in that I get lost in myself all the time.

YOU ARE WORTHY how can I take that as truth??? I know that I need to but I feel that I have not been worthy for so many things in life what makes now different??? I guess that I really just continue to search and start sealing off the hidden passages and ultimately the hidden rooms as well.

Wow if you actually read all of this good for you ,you deserve a hug or a gold star the choice is yours but you have to buy your own gold star. :)

Broken thoughts

Ok now I have fallen behind on posts that I wanted to do. Well this post should have been done on Thursday to go along with a great night that I had on Wednesday night. I love new places and new experiences in life. I guess that most people share that thought HA HA. But Wednesday was great but I had a few broken thoughts while I was at a bar in town here that is called Broken City. I guess that it was not the place that really sticks in my mind as much as the thoughts that were just so random in my head as the night progressed. The music is one of the things that was really good there. I think I knew 5 or 6 songs total all night that they played but the music that was played to the majority was really good and I liked the sound of. There were a few songs that I really liked. Franz came on and I had to love that to the full extent. It was a song off the You could have it so much better album the song was:
Do You Want To
When I woke up tonight I said I'm
Going to make somebody love me
I'm going to make somebody love me
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
That it's you
You're lucky lucky you're so lucky

Well do you
Do you
Do you want to
Want to go where I'd never let you before

Well do you
Do you
Do you want to
Want a go of what I'd never let you before

Well he's a friend and he's so proud of you
He's a friend and I knew him before you

He's a friend and we're so proud of you
He's a friend and I blew him before you

Here we are at the Transmission party
I love your friends - they're all so arty

So that was the song but I don't know I have talked with a friend about this kinda idea before but on Wednesday there was something in my head that just wanted to do that. I find it kinda funny cause I have thoughts like that but most of the time it is very general but on Wednesday it was not general but rather specific there was a girl in my mind at the time and still now I really want it but I know that there are just to many things right now in my life that kinda stand in the way anyway. Like me going to India I think is the biggest one not to mention that I have a real uncertainty about trying to make someone love me. I guess that we all do it to some point but I guess that it is all perspective! I guess that I really can't remember all of my broken thoughts there were so many and I can't remember them all right now. Oh well I guess that is what happens when you do not make time to type the stuff out right after it happens. HA HA

Garden of Though

So many things running threw my head HA HA so many want to get out but only a few will. I have had a really weird night tonight and am not sure why but all day I have been fighting this lethargic feeling and am not sure what it is from and what to do to get ride of it. But tonight it feels to have slid away into the dark night quietly. I am glad that I don't feel it now but I know that what I do feel is not really me either but the drugs that I am taking for my arm when it hurts. Tonight I had a good talk with a friend that I have not known that long but I have come to realize that she amazes me in so many ways. On the second day that I had known her we were hanging out and I took her home and on my drive home something odd happened to me. A poem just came to me. I am not sure what it means and could not tell you exactly what it means to me right now or even at the time but there is something in there. I guess that as I look at it and read it, I see that it fits with life and not just mine or this amazing girls but everyone's. For all my friends that I care so much about. To anyone that reads it and it touches there heart.


A single tear runs down my cheek
A tear that runs for you
A tear not for regret
A tear not for sorrow
A tear not for the past
A tear not for the future

A single tear runs down my cheek
A tear that lingers for you
A tear of hope
A tear to free
A tear to love
A tear to believe

A single tear runs down my cheek
A tear that runs for you
A tear that lingers for you
A tear that dries for you
A tear of thought just for you!

I guess that has been running threw my mind for the last week and I have just been waiting for it to come out. There are so many thoughts in the garden of my brain but I think that I better stop with that one and let it settle and let the rest develop a little more before I pick them.

The Market and Other Random Acts!

Ok the picture I took last sunday night while I was sitting by the river with a few friends. I was sitting there by the river and had my Camera and could not help but take a few shots. There are a few more that I am sure I will post in the next while but this is one of my favorite ones for the time being.


Yesterday I decided to go on a bit of an adventure with Con and a friend. So we ventured to the Crossroads market. Ok I will say that yes I have been to flea markets all over around the states and some of Canada and this really did not very from the norm when it comes to markets except for the art gallery. Wow is all that I can say. There were some amazing pieces of art. Con even got interesting in all of the sculptures that were around so that was awsome. I think it is amazing to try and see art from a 6 year old perspective. It is really quite hard to do and needed his help to get me there for a few piecies. HA HA But the rest of the market was good and ended with the fresh veggies and fruit. It was so fun. While we were there we decided on Salmon for supper so we got all fresh stuff to go with it. It was totally fun shopping with someone again and just hanging out. It feels like so long since I have had that I was happy. The other thing that made me happy was that I got to make supper for my friend. I love being able to do that and it had been a while since I have done it. But in the past week I got it twice. Oh how I love it thanks guys!!!

The Salmon was awesome and the rest of the meal was good right down to the oatmeal cookies that did not want to be cookies but really wanted to be squares insted. Everything was great. I had such an amazing time and can't wait to do it again.

I think that yesterday would have to be the best day I have had with someone for a little while. It was very relaxing and not full of alot of running around. Supper happened and the rest of the day just happened. I am glad for yesterday I think that it was just what the doctor ordered. HA HA Till next time.

Sunset and Sunrise!!!

Ok I have so many things to post today but I am sure that I will not get too them all. HA HA Oh well what can I say! Anyway the sunrise this morning was amazing even though I did not see it from start to finish makes no differance at all. As I was driving home this morning at about 6 AM (Oh wait no that is 7 AM thanks Daylight savings time) I was driving home from a terrific night and I just had to stop and look at the clouds that had the splashes of early morning color on them. I had to look for a while and just be amazed at how beautiful it is. The sky was breath taking to say the lest and it made me think of the earlier post of mine. sun rises are awesome. I guess that I will write more soon as I have the urge to go to sleep right now. :)