Hidden passage ways and rooms!!!!

Ok I know that everyone has these in their lives and that some more then others try to live life in them even though they know that they should not. I guess that I am one of those people. I come from the wrong side of the tracks or right side whatever way that you want to look at it. I guess that I have been watching what is on the other side for such a long time that I really just want to be over there and not in the place that I am or the person that I am. I guess that as time has gone on I have built this very intricate network of hidden passage ways and rooms. I know that this is the case and I spend time in them to get away from what I know. I can be anything in these rooms that I want to be. I can be real, I can pretend, I can do what ever I want and no one is there to tell me other wise. I guess that with all of that I am kind of feeling like Batman. No matter what you do you always end up feeling alone in the end. I guess that is why I really want to come out of these hidden places and back into life and the real world. The world that I know as being the one where nice guys always finish last. The world where black is black and white is white and in most cases white is good and black is bad. The problem with this world is that I really don't see myself fitting in either with the good or the bad. This is the real world for me. Someone was praying for me on Wednesday night and she told me that God said I was worthy and that He had stuff that he wanted to give me because I was Worthy but I guess that I believe Him in what He said through her but that I really want stuff now. I long more then anything not to be alone. I see it all around me I wander into this fog and once in a while I will see a light shine through for a while. But sooner or later, which it is usually sooner, I find myself in the same fog all alone. I really hate to be alone!!!!! I guess in saying that sex is not the issue here. Being alone is the issue. The part that does not want to hang out at home alone. The part that wants something back that has been missing for what seems so long now. It is also the part of me that does not want to go to India alone. The part that wants to share and care for someone again. So many things that it just seems easier to stay in my hidden rooms and keep then hidden from everyone. But where does that get me? It makes me not real most of the time and then sorta real the other times. I guess that this place is not hidden to all. I have let people in there into these hidden areas of me and I just find that when I do I get attached to those special people that I have let in. It usually leads to me getting hurt and them not even knowing!!! There was a movie that I saw along time ago but I cannot remember the name of it. It was named after the main kid in the movie. It was about a boy that was from a family that really did not have a lot but he went to school with all the rich kids and longed so desperately to fit in and be one of the cool kids to get some people to notice him. But I guess that is how I feel! That I am the poor kid trying to fit in with all the rich kids and I really don't fit at all but stick out like a sore thumb. Lucas I think was the name of the film.

I guess that I am not sure how to lock up these hidden rooms since most people don't even know where they are in my life and the different areas or things that cause me to head into them and away from everything else. I don't think that it is usually people that cause me to go into hiding as much as it is myself. I keep thinking of the whole Batman thing and it just seems like maybe it is the best thing to describe what I feel. I don't want anyone to know about it but in that I get lost in myself all the time.

YOU ARE WORTHY how can I take that as truth??? I know that I need to but I feel that I have not been worthy for so many things in life what makes now different??? I guess that I really just continue to search and start sealing off the hidden passages and ultimately the hidden rooms as well.

Wow if you actually read all of this good for you ,you deserve a hug or a gold star the choice is yours but you have to buy your own gold star. :)